Sleep sweet sleep....

Ah well, I couldn't have expected round two of ICE to go as smoothly as round one.  I mean, you start off healthy, so it is easier to combat the yucky side effects, but round two, your defenses are compromised.  For me so far it has been steroid-induced insomnia, LIKE NO SLEEP on Wednesday night.  And for those of you who know me, know that Eve on no sleep makes for one unhappy girl.  I have never once pulled an all nighter for school, I've always had to plan ahead enough to allow a little sleep, and I've been through A LOT of school!  I've always been the first one to poop out on late nights.  I love my sleep.  Period.  Like 8 or 9 hours of it.  It makes me a happy girl, easy to be around, positive, playful, and able to cope with the stresses in life (I might have a few right now).  So no sleep Wednesday night delivered a sobbing weepy girl to day two of chemo.  Not to mention I felt like I felt all the symptoms of chemo sickness much worse (probably because of the no sleep).  But, the nurses there were awesome and supportive and working quickly to get me some help for tonight as I was getting depressed that I had two more days of steroids to take!! 

Now, I am not a prescription med pill girl  (which if funny based on all the drugs I am putting in my body now--I mean healing elixirs!!!).  But frankly, I have gotten exhausted worrying about herbal/nutrient interactions with these chemo drugs.  I am doing this chemo and I want it to work.  So, I was given the choice to take Ambien.  And I said YES!  I need my sleep or else I am not going to make it (sobbing)!  Michael was worried about this because we've heard of all kinds of weird stories about Ambien and sleep walking.  And I am hooked up to this pump were I can't go anywhere besides a two-foot radius without it pulling on my port.  We teased and said he could hand-cuff me to the bed...With this chemo drug I also have to make sure I get up and pee every couple of hours because it can ruin my bladder.  I didn't want to just sleep through that. 

So it was a tough decision to finally make, but 9:30 rolled around and I felt the steroid jitters and started to freak.  So we cut the little pill in half and set Michael's alarm for couple hour increments to remind me to pee and compromised with that.  AND IT WORKED!!!!  I slept for almost 10 hours!! Like a baby!  I am just so happy!!!  Maybe you other fellow sleep-lovers will know the joy I am feeling right now. I do know many of you live in the mind set of :"sleep, who needs that?" (including my husband).

Anyway, kind of a simple check in and probably TMI.  But, I've got energy to put something down on paper this morning.  So yay!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!!  I am looking forward to spending mine with family and friends.

Many blessings and love to you all!

Reporting In

Here's me coming out of the woodwork to let you all know that I am doing really well.  Chemo does make me less focused, which is probably what is to blame for not sitting down long enough to write a blog post.  But I do want to let you all know I survived round one of ICE pretty well less some nausea, couch surfing for 6 days, bone pain, space-cadetedness, and....loss of hair....again....I actually have less hair now than I did after 10 treatments of ABVD, but okay, I can deal.  What is funny is that the night before my hair started coming out in clumps it was long enough to actually put in a pony tail!!!  A small one, granted, but a pony tail no less!! I bounced around the house all night showing Michael my nubby, and then the next morning in the shower...clumps...so I cried.  And then tightened up my bootstraps and didn't leave the shower until I made artwork on the wall with my hair (gross I know, but it felt like a way to deal with it).  I have pictures but it might be in poor taste to show...

So with all of the bad, the good has made up for it in spades, like triple spades. I want to give words to these experiences, but they have been so deeply meaningful that my words just take away from the depth. Maybe one day I can learn to articulate the beauty in life.  But for now I just want to give gratitude to my Shakti family, to my meditations, to the processing, to the movement, to your amazing amazing, unfaltering love and support, to the lovely winter solstice celebration with the women's circle and the warming of our home, and last but certainly not least, my parent's and the magical land to which we love and honor and explore. 

I go in on Wednesday for another ICE treatment--three days worth.  And then celebration of this special time with family and friends. So happy holidays to you all! I hope we all get to see and enjoy this lunar eclipse on the solstice on a full moon!! Seems like a once in a lifetime event, but who knows...maybe it happens more often than I think.  Either way, sending love and gratitude to you!

the shift

Warning:  this post is disjointed with a poor, and rambling  flow...but I wanted to put down on paper my thoughts these past days even though I am under the influence of drugs...my intentions are good.
 
Well folks, so far I am surprising the hell out of myself (in a good way!).  And my only explanation is that I've earned it! haha (I've had help!)  I really think that following the path that I have has made me ready for this next phase.  I couldn't have done this any other way, I realize that now...all those worries about decisions, etc...well, all those decisions got me here, and here is me feeling really like I can BEAT this.

I am sitting in a space of being okay with what is next.  I am hooked up to a pump that injects ifosfomide in my veins every 2 seconds for 24 hours, and that is just one of the three drugs I've been given so far.  And I didn't cry once today!! This is HUGE!  I am seeing these drugs as healing elixirs instead of poison, which I thought of before.

I slept fine Tuesday night before starting chemo again...that never happened during the 10 treatments I had last year.  I cried at every one of those treatments except the last one.  The chemo sickness started on day one of chemo and it lasted a week.  I am on day 2 now and still feel pretty okay.

Instead of crying I even had a fun day being silly with Michael at the infusion center and then eating the MOST delicious bowl of Pho (everything tastes really good on steroids). And then mom went with me to the acupuncturist and we shopped for christmas trees!  And then Krishan called and it was so nice to connect with him. 

I also woke up this morning thinking that this stem cell transplant is going to give me a second chance at making my immune system right.  I wasn't born unhealthy...something happened between when those stem cells reproduced, and I got sick with serious allergies, and then cancer.

So I've toughened up, or softened up...depending on how you look at it. The energy has shifted in my body.  And I dream of land and retreat and health.  That wouldn't have happened if we had taken any other path.

I wanted to tell you about my spirit animal experience I had on Tuesday, but then I got on Patty's blog and she does such a very good job of telling the story plus giving great bits of inspiration...so please go here and read.  The snake... Patty knows how to use words so eloquently, I just love reading her posts.  

So I am doing pretty good.  Now lets just hope that this isn't the steroids talking ;p  But, when they wear off, I also believe I can deal with what comes. I don't expect all sunshine...but like Michael pointed out this weekend at the beach, the sunsets aren't as brilliant without the clouds.