Thursday, September 29, 2011

Watch and Wait

Less than a week ago...Saturday to be exact, I had waves of emotion flood through me like shock waves as I rode on the back of a motorcycle with the sun setting over the fall sky, arms wrapped around my love.   I held on tight, and the wind was sharp against my helmet...the stars just beginning to come out.  We'd just spent the day on a rented motorcycle touring...first stop... a fall festival filled with laughter and memories, and then on to a  fundraiser for a man who has sacrificed so much for our freedom.  The outpouring of love that came  from the community for him totally overwhelmed me and gave my so much hope for this human race.

As we rode home that night the sensation came to me again that if I died tomorrow I would take comfort in knowing that I have lived a good life--a life worth living.   These 35 years have blessed me with amazing family, friends, and experiences that leave me feeling fulfilled.  I've had these waves of realization a lot lately, joy I would call it...JOY.  And joy was something that I thought I'd lost the months following my stem cell transplant.  What a gift to feel that again.

That night...on that bike, as I rode home embracing Michael as I trusted my life with him--those waves of joy would come.  I felt such a deep love for him.  A love so deep that it almost hurt.  And in those was like he knew what I was thinking and he would lift his arm from the handle bar and reach around and touch my leg in a loving embrace.  I could hardly believe it...and then...I could. We are connected.

So we come around to today. I get the results of my PET scan and they tell me that there are suspicious nodes lighting up.  They are in the same place as before.  We need to do a biopsy to confirm if it is cancer.

I was with my parent's for the bad news...delivered yet again by my wonderfully kind and supportive oncologist.

And so we follow up with the research again and we see that PET scans can be misleading and in many cases give alarm when alarm isn't necessary.  But then again, maybe it is real...we just don't know.

So my options are to watch and wait, or to biopsy.

When faced with these options, we sit, and we have to listen to what feels right.  And what feels right is that we don't want to go in again.  I don't want another surgery, some more drugs, a hospital stay, and all that drama.  I want to just live my life in a full way.  And not in a hospital.

So we will wait. We will scan again in 3 months and decide what to do then.

Tonight Michael and I cooked kale and radishes from our garden and warmed up a soup that Michael made for me...okra, turkey, sweet potatoes and (I say love....).  We had wine and watched Modern Family.

He, out of no where, played for me a song and we danced.  I was stunned because it was one of my favorite songs of old and there he was, just playing it for us to dance to ... take a listen and smile, and I hope you dance...

Another song that came on later and that brought back such strong memories was this song by Thievery Corporation.  It was a song that Michaelle and I performed to way back when at the 40 Watt in Athens with snakes.  That was a pivotal time in my life and it was nice to live that memory again...

And then finally, as I head to bed tonight, this song plays...a song that I treasure, a remake that give honor to its creator...

I feel amazingly calm.  Like all this work I have been doing all these months has amounted to something good.  I am learning how to really move to that part in myself that is grounded and connected.  I am a fighter and I don't plan on going anywhere soon.  I have so much more of life to live!!

So good night to you all. I love you.  And I am so happy that you are in my life.  You make my life better.  So thank you.  With total sincerity, I thank you.  Without you, (and you know who you are!!!!) I wouldn't be here today.