Wednesday, January 4, 2012

these boots are made for walking...

I left Kaiser at 10:30 am, and my doctor had contacted me by 12:30 with the results.  What a blessing he is to our family.  I am so grateful that this painful thing called scanxiety only lasted 2 hours!  And the best part is that I was with my mother, father, brothers and husband--all about to sit down for lunch when we found out.  It couldn't have been planned more perfectly.

The news that was delivered however wasn't what we'd hoped for.  But, it could definitely have been worse.  Back in September the scan showed suspicious nodes.  I had a handful of nodes that lit up lightly, and were small.  We had suspicions that one might have been my thymus gland again.  The doctors decided to watch and wait. 

Today all the nodes that lit up before were still there, and were slightly larger with equal or slightly greater SUV.  I also have one more node that has appeared that is 1cm x 1 cm.  The largest one is 3 cm.  The greatest SUV is 10, with many ranging from 4-10.  I know this doesn't mean much to most of you, but in cancer speak, size and SUV are what matter.  I have no metasteses, and all my other organs look great and nothing in my bones.  The final comment from the radiologist is that I have mild progression of FGD-avid disease.  

My oncologist contacted my specialist doctor and my surgeon and they all agreed that we still shouldn't do any treatment until we biopsy to see what we are even dealing with.  There are reports of misleading PET scans.  There are reactive lymphnodes after something like what I went through. It could also be recurrence.  They also said I could continue to watch and wait.  

I haven't written anything on this blog in three months save last night.  I went way inward, and have explored a whole new realm of healing.  It is hard to write about these experiences, but I would like to let you know that I have been doing intense energy work sessions with different healers.  What I have learned from this is that no matter what, this will be in my life going forward and always.  I look forward to delving even more deeply into this medicine.  

As for what next.  ...  we are only t plus 5 hours from hearing the news.  So we don't know what next.  I might still be a bit numb.  But we are all doing okay.  We have each other.  We have you.  We have options.  We are hopeful.  We will beat this...the journey is just not over yet.  

I truly and deeply appreciate your emails, texts, calls, fb comments, blog comments.  You really know how to make me feel loved.  And I love you.  

And I'll leave you with a quote Augustin sent to me today:

"The world is full of suffering.  It is also filled with overcoming it."
              --Helen Keller

And here is one that my friend Heather posted on her wall today.  I don't know the author, but I like it:
"Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good."

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Don't think about all those things you fear...

PET scan tomorrow morning.  Tears are streaming easily today in anticipation, fear and worry.  But these three months of our watch and wait game have given me so much out of this precious life.   I am grateful for the love of my family and friends. I am grateful for being able to tap into the stream of life, this energy that heals, loves, runs through us all.  I am grateful for my meditation.  I am grateful for those who have helped me along the way.  I hope to pay it back with all that I am learning.  I hope that I can help make a difference someday.

So here's to belly breathing, and sleeping tiger, and mantras, and adventure, and dreams.

...just be glad to be here