Firsts

Today I made the appointment for my first chemotherapy session.  It was something I needed to strike off the list, but it surprised me at how hard it was.  I'd made the surgeon appointment last week--for October 6th--to put the port in, and just hoped that we could get started on the 7th.  And it went just as planned.  The scheduler was nice, the 7th was available, it was easy.  But... I hung up the phone and cried a deep cry. It hit me like a ton of bricks from nowhere.  I realized I should shut my office door--at least keep it almost closed.  I sat there and just breathed. I am trying to learn this practice of breath and relaxation and ways to get my brain okay with things--I've never been good at it, that is why Michael has been such a gift, he can help me with that. It is like he is the wonderful blanket over the fire of anxiety.

And then, my mom came in, she was beaming, and thinking of the wedding--needing to ask me about this and that.  She looked beautiful and radiant as this whole time in our life brings great joy.  Then she looked at me and saw that I'd been crying.  So she let me cry some more, and was just there to hold the space.  Michael came by a couple of minutes later--both of them were coming for different reasons, and usually never (rarely) visit my office during the day other than the usual lunch time.  But both seemed to show up right when I needed them. 

So again, the feeling that this isn't some bad dream slapped me into reality.  I know that this is going to be okay, I will live a long and healthy life after this, but I think I am just scared of what is to come.  I put into my Outlook calendar today the number of doctor's appointments I have coming up in the next month and it is heavy.  It is heavy, and as much as I am trying to be positive, I see I can still cry, and be scared, and it is okay.

But what is crazy about this whole thing is the intensity of emotion that comes.  My parent's have always teased me that I live for peak experiences.  Feeling fully and deeply is living to me.  So with that comes ups and downs.  I've always said I will take the downs to experience the ups, and I guess this is a good test of that, eh?  But the good that I have experienced since this diagnosis is really life changing and eye-opening.  The outpouring of love that I have received from you I feel intensely.  And that love sits in my heart and creates more love that manifests this amazing postivity that I hope you feel too.  It is almost as if this love circuit is becoming so warm that we are in a way making the world a better place. 

I had an amazing weekend.  Friday night I went to the art show opening in which my aunt Patty had her first acceptance to a juried art show.  Family and friends showed up to support her, and it was just lovely and inspiring.  She is the quintessential Renaissance woman...artist and scientist! I got to see friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and their love was felt and consumed.  We ended the night at Becky and Pat's house--so warm and inviting, and really showing the depth of the heart.

Saturday morning I awoke my usual 7:30 time, but slinked back into bed and just felt like sleep was delicous next to my loving man.  I haven't slept in like that in awhile, and sleep feels so welcome these days.   Saturday night I spent with friends eating good food and laughing.  Augustin took the party with his apple pie--which was a feat because he never cooks! I was so proud.  Sunday mom, grandma and I headed to aunt Margie's to have a ladies day of working on my wedding dress.  We pulled into the driveway and Margie was sitting with someone on the bench by her lake.  When I realized who it was, my heart burst with happiness.  Michael's mother Rin surprised me by driving the 5 hours from Tennessee after working the night shift.  She didn't want to miss this opportunity to be there with the amazing women in my life while we created this beautiful dress for her son's and new daughter's wedding.  She is awesome, Margie is awesome, my dress is more goregous than I could ever have imagined.  I am lucky to have such a supportive family--the image of my grandmother holding the cutout organza fabric over a tea light candle to make the petals of a flower on my dress is lasting.  My mom pinning the lace to by bodice while I rest my arm on her shoulder for support...  Whew...talk about the enhancement of emotion.  If it weren't for the bad, I'd wonder if life could get any better.

So I sit here emotionally raw.  Thanks to you I feel like it will be okay. Your love is like a food, and I feel selfish to ask for it.  But it helps.  I've learned a lot in this short month about what makes the world go round.  I hope that I can be to you what you are being to me.

photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/mariorui55/501840633/