The Gamble

I've been debating as to post about this or not--it seems intensely personal, but hey, why not bare all?   I am faced with two more chemotherapy sessions...just two...but I am torn in a million pieces as to whether or not I want to continue. 

I haven't gotten my periond in almost 8 weeks now.  And I worry that with each treatment, the likelihood that I'll get it back worsens.  I've been having hot flashes and night sweats every night now for weeks.  My hormones are all crazy, and well, this is just a tough tough decision. 

I've combed the literature on premature ovarian failure..basically if you are in your 20s, you have nothing to worry about, and if you are in your 40s  you will most likely go into menopause.  The 30s??  Well, it's just all up to the individual. 

I've also combed the literature about relapse rate, and standard treatment for Hodgkins.  And, I've been getting on the support group websites, and frankly, that scares the hell out of me.  Relapse rate is 25-35%.  That seems pretty high to me.  Yet I seem to know so many people that tell me -- oh yeah, I knew someone who had that and they've been cancer free for years now!  But it just takes a couple of minutes in the forums to see that there are a lot of people who've relapsed.  I wonder if those are the people seeking forums..and the ones treated and done don't get on them?

Michael and I went to the onocologist  to talk about all of this that has been weighing so heavily on our shoulders.  Surprisingly, he said it would be fine with him if I stopped treatment right now.  We actually had a very good talk with him.  He said there are two types of patients..one, who will do whatever she needs to do to make sure the cancer is gone--i.e. all the treatments, and even entertain the possibility of radiation.  And then there is the patient that weighs the side effects and risks.  He sees that I fall into the latter category.  I want the cancer gone, but I also want to maybe take the small risk that it might come back to decrease my risk of permanent side effects--including, but not limited to permanent lung and heart damage, decreased mental function, and ovarian faliure.  I guess you could say I am a bit obsessive (I think my doctor thinks that).

I was very worried about my lungs because they felt damaged the days following chemo.  The bleomycin can do some serious work to the lungs.  Good news is that I just took a pulmonary function test, and my numbers came back excellent!! 

So I have this huge decision to make by Wednesday.  I have all of these Vitamin C IV's under my belt that I can't discount.  Essentially I've been getting double dose treatment throughout the course of my treatment.  And I'll continue this for several months. 

Chance of relapse is greatest in the first year. 

My hormone craziness isn't helping.  Last week I literally lost it for several days.  I was a slobbering fool, and when I wasn't crying, I felt numb, and depressed, and tired, and anxious, and not ..that..much..fun..to.. be .. around...I haven't been this bad since that time in December.  Remember that??  haha..meltdown city.  Thankfully I can look back on my months of treatment and realize I've done pretty good minus the few breakdowns.  I mean, I could have been this way throughout, right??!

Michael continues to be my rock.  And my parent's are sent from the heavens.  Anyone who can sit and listen to me cry and just hold me through it..I can say I am lucky to have such support.  I try to keep a happy, positive face.  But sometimes I just can't.  And I am glad they don't run the other way.  I mean we are talking about people who aren't as emotionally raw, so I often wonder what they think.  All three of them have also really helped me process it all--the pros and cons.  Talk, talk, and more talk...

So I am out of my crazy lady stage for now. I had a great weekend from start to finish surrounded by friends and this beautiful spring weather.  Dr. Hartle menitoned to me that this will all be over just in time for spring, and then there is rebirth!! And I think about that all the time.

Trip to Vegas anyone?  That is what I feel right now.