Pity Party

I finally got to talk today to a woman at the clinic who I've been seeing there for awhile, but we've never connected.  I knew she had breast cancer--and she's only about 5 years older than me.  Today I find out that she has two little kids, a wonderfully supportive husband, and breast cancer metastasized throughout her body. She was waiting to hear today whether or not it is in her bone too.  WOW, talk about heavy.  She's been on all sorts of chemo, radiation, alternative stuff, etc.  And it is still spreading.  Her heart and lungs have suffered damage from all of the chemo.  She's been fighting this for over two years.  She remains upbeat, and I find she takes strength from her family and friends.  She doesn't talk much while at the clinic--she usually just curls up in a ball and sleeps.  She said a friend asked her how she doesn't just want to give up.  She says she just takes one look at her little ones and knows that she absolutely can't.  She is a fighter. 

So it was good to talk to her today of all days.  It snaps me back into reality.  I've been having a pretty tough week--even before the chemo on Wednesday.  I just felt so tired no matter how much I slept.  I've been feeling down about work and how I can't seem to manage that very well.  My brain feels foggy if I have to think about science things.  And I see how I am not able to manage all the projects the way I'd like to.

And it started on Tuesday night that I got these voices in me screaming---NOOOooo I don't want to go tomorrow. I don't want to do this again.  And all morning on Wednesday...it was like I was a kid having a tantrum.  I...don't...want...to...GO!!!  aahhhhahhhH!! I was in such a bad mood. But I went.  And Michael took me there kicking and screaming.  And I did it.  And cried the first 20 minutes of it all.  I couldn't stop crying.  The nurse and Michael just let me cry.  Which was nice.  There are only so many I'm sorry's I can say when explaining my episodes.  Michael held my hand.  I just couldn't stop thinking that if I go by what the Dr. says, this is only half way.  HALF WAY!  And then I just get to crying again and have a good old fashioned pity party for myself.  I keep hearing Grandma saying...somebody punch her TS card!

Michael dropped me off at my parent's house after the treatment because it was close to work, and he had to go back there for awhile.  jI finally got to watch the Top Chef season finale (we cancelled our cable a week before the last show). Kevin, my favorite, and the Atlanta local chef for Woodfire Grill--amazing btw!!, didn't win.  So I was diappointed by that. 

After the show I talked to Rin for awhile, and then my parent's came home.  I can't tell you how nice that was to lie in their bed, with their love surrounding me.  Mom sang to me the Gaitrya mantra while rubbing my head.  Dad gave me some good suggestions for helping heal some wounds.  Then Michael came over and we four just hung out in their bedroom chatting til we got hungry enough to eat.  Mom threw together a nice meal.  I like being around people I love...it really helps lift my mood. 

And then, here comes the night...We went to bed, and the tingly arm and leg I'd been noticing ever since the chemo treatment  felt like it was getting worse.  OH NO!!  Neuroapathy....what they all say might happen.  It feels like when your leg falls asleep, and it is just beginning to wake up again..  And you feel like you need to shake it to help get the blood flowing.  Well, I felt that way all night.  So much so that Michael had to leave the bed and sleep on the sofa because he couldn't sleep.  Even when I did drift off, he said I was twitching all over.  I felt so guilty, but he wouldn't let me sleep on the couch.  I didn't sleep very well, and just worried (I am good at that) that this might really be happening.  So I try to practice that thing I said I would...trying to cope.  I laid there and envisioned my discomfort, and imagined that it dissapates.  And to focus on my breathing, and mantra, and release.  So I did get some sleep. 

I woke up this morning with the sensations gone...so I hope that I have evaded the neuroapthy monster another round. 

And, well, as we all know, Eve on no sleep makes for an unstable girl.  So I am still crying.  My outlook e-mail crashed today while I was at the clinic...just after I had constructed a long e-mail to a co-worker who was presenting something for me because I couldn't be there.  I lost the e-mail, so decided to call her.  And, well, I should have waited to call her until after the serious frustration subsided because I ended up just crying when she answered the phone.  So professional.. But we chatted, and she gave a great presentation. 

And then I got to finally talk with the woman I'd been wanting to talk to for awhile, just to hear her story.  And she's got it rough.  My situation is cake.  So pull those boot straps up and keep marching old girl!!! 

I think I just need to take it one day at a time, and not think about how much longer I have.  That should help, right?  And besides, we all know how fast time flies. 

The picture above is one that my parent's took of me when I was young.  I wanted to go outside and play in traffic...the world was going by without me!!! But when they said no...well, the picture speaks a thousand words.  I was channeling that little girl yesterday.