It's been way too long...

Everyday I wake up and think I need to spend some time on this site to let you all know how I am doing.  You all have been SO amazingly supportive and loving, and the last thing I want is for you to worry about me.  So, the answer to the question...how am I doing?  Well, I can safely say I am doing well.  Now, if you asked me if I am ready for this to be over, ...you can bet I'd say FOR SURE! 

I've now completed 5 chemotherapy sessions and countless vitamin IV C therapies.  I keep going back to what that chemo nurse said to me on my first visit.  Keep a diary...it will help you know when to expect what.  Well, I have learned that there is no expecting, and no set rules as to how I will feel and when.  Round 4 of chemo was the easiest round for me as far as side effects.  I thought I just might be getting used to it, or resigning myself to it.  But I realize after round 5 that, well, again, there are no rules.   The good news is that in round 5 I had my period.  This is not good news really, it is great news!!  My female parts are still working.  But with that joy also comes heart ache as the hormonal roller coaster on chemo is a tough ride.  yin and yang.  That is the one thing I have come to expect.  Joy and sadness, hard work, and ease. 

Probably also because of my menses, my blood counts have officially dropped to anemia levels.  And I feel it.  I am tired.  And I fatigue easily.  Sunday (and for most of Saturday actually) I didn't leave the house once and relished in the joy of my living room, a book, good musics, my sweetie, and the cold that invites the cozy.  I took lots of baths.  Got a massage.  And really just was. 

And that just being is an interesting exercise in itself.  I have always been an on the go kind of person.  I don't remember being so decadent as to lying around most of the day, let alone ALL of the day.  For two days at that!  But this is forcing me to slow down.  And see what happens.  It'll be interesting if I try this slowing down thing when I feel good.  I wonder what will happen then? 

Today I couldn't wait to get home and lie on the futon in the middle of my living room.  I had intentions of being at work today.  We had the holiday luncheon, which I made by skipping my hyperbaric treatment.  I was overwhelmed today by what my parent's have created out of nothing.  They are healing people worldwide with the help of this amazing team that was all congregated in one room today for our celebratory lunch.  Blew me away actually. 

After the lunch I was faced with an afternoon of consults.  Booked solid from 2-5:30.  And I suddenly got all panicky. I can't be here that long!!  So I bolted.  Literally...I thought..I can make it home by my first one.  And i did.  And I worked all afternoon, feeling accomplished, while lying down next to my warm dog on the floor by the light of my tree, the rain drizzling, and the cold keeping me wanting to snuggle with a blanket. 

Now, as I write this, I kind of laugh.  Because so much has happened these past three weeks that I've been silent.  I'd love to write all about these up experiences because there have been many!!  Again, I can't help but think that I don't think my life could get any better if it weren't for this illness.  I've been wrapped up in the magic of my female friends in an amazing healing day, I've enjoyed Thanksgiving with family, I've camped with my beloved in the beautiful hills of North Georgia, I've celebrated his birthday for a week, I've had friends warm the home the way friends know how to do perfectly. Those same friends gave Michael the birthday love he deserved, being the caregiver these months.  I feel surrounded in love. 

And then I've had problems with my port, and nausea, and fatigue, and stressful situations at the clinic, and overall crying fits. 

This is such a strange strange time. 

And I had a stranger approach me today at the clinic and ask if he could pray for me.  Well, I guess he wasn't a stranger, because I've seen him several times before.  But he said he's been seeing me here, and was drawn to pray for me.  An awkward experience in my mind, that really, surprisingly wasn't so awkward.  It was like my defenses were down and when he came over I was just focusing on the parts of his intentions that were good and loving.  And so he prayed for me, while holding my cold hand--warming it.   I have never thought that Jesus Christ died for my sins.  And that God is a puppeteer that controls my life.  I have also never appreciated people pushing their religious views on me.  But strangely, in that moment, it felt peaceful.  And I just let be what it was.  A man wanting to speak from that place in his heart that was good, kind, loving, supportive, courageous, and strong, to all those places in my heart.  Love is the great equalizer.  It is a universal language.  And then it was over, and he sat back in his chair.  And it was sweet.  His name was Joe. 

A few minutes later a woman is brought in the clinic by her daughter and husband.  She is new, and is not doing so well. I don't know her story, but she's obviously very sick.  She's in a wheel chair, and tears up a lot.  Her husband...is...so...so...so...kind and loving to her I can barely watch it for the tears it brings.  Her daughter too.  Love, is so strong an emotion that it brings such joy, but can also rip you to pieces when you see someone you love suffering so.  Strangely, I wanted Joe to pray for them to. 

So these are the ramblings from a girl who's not doing so bad.  Yes, I have moments where I want to scream and say YES, I can be in a bad mood, and mad that I feel crappy, and I don't want to put on this happy face. And I do.  But mostly, I feel okay with putting on this happy face because life is good.  And it could be worse. 

I know I get sappy saying this over and over again.  And I just read Secret Life of Bees which was the absolute perfect book to read right now.  But love truly conquers all.  And I wish there were more words to explain love.  Like August said in the book...we use the same word for the way we love coca-cola and peanuts, as we do when we love our mother. 

So here's to sending lots of love to you all.  And hopefully it will be infectious and you will send love to all those who you love, and they will to them.  (Sorry Bob if this is too gushy...)

I just finished this post and went looking for a photo.  I typed LOVE in the google image search and found the image above.  How perfect is that for what I just said?  Which ended up leading me to this website:  http://www.owningpink.com/  Nice. :)