Vanity? Illness? Milestone? Who knows...

So we have noticed lately that my hair is getting thinner.  I keep asking Michael every day...like I am seeing it wrong, and it is really not happening.  Does it look thinner to you today?  He always just nods yes and kisses me on my forehead.

I don't know, it is not like this is surprising or anything.  We've known from the start that I will lose my hair.  It's just funny--the way it's happenend.  I remember thinking after my first chemo, when I didn't lose any hair.  I thought, wow, maybe I'm different, and it won't happen to me.  And then it did.  And now that I've cut my hair short, I've consistently noticed hair on my pillow, and on my shirt.  But it is still there.  So I thought, hey, I'm not going to go completely bald.  Until I start noticing that there are bare patches.  And the length that I have it accentuates it.

So tonight I asked Michael to shave it closer to my head.  I thought if the hair is shorter, it will just lay down on my head instead of sticking up, and cover up the bare spots.  It'll look more like I am not going bald.  And so he did it.  And, well, no matter which way you cut it, it is hard to cover up the fact that yes, indeed, I am going bald. 

I've been pretty stable these past couple of days even though today, Friday, was the first day I've felt normal again after a chemo round.  Normally this has happened on a Tuesday or Wednesday.  But emotionally, it has been okay. I've just been tired and head-achey.

So tonight when, at one moment I was fine, and looking forward to trimming the hair, I find myself crying in front of the mirror while Michael takes the scissors so lovingly to my stray hairs on the back of my head. I don't know where these tears come from some times.  This is NOT a surprise.  And I still have more hair than I've expected to have. So I don't know.  It doesn't seem like vanity, it just seems like this hair thing is an outward expression of my illness.  Which is so weird because the more hair I lose, the smaller my tumors get. 

There I sit...crying in the bathroom, and I hear my phone ringing.  And it is Michael's parents.  I try to talk to them, but can't.  So Michael takes the phone and says we'll call them back in a bit.  And then I just cry in Michael's arms.  Ahhhh....there I go again.  Vomiting tears.  So strange. So strange. I know I keep saying this, and I guess I do so because I still don't know what to make of it.

I know for certain that I have cried more these past several months more than years past combined.  But once the crying spell is over, it is just that.  Over.  I don't feel despair, or depression.  None of that.  Exhausted at times, for sure.  But not depressed.  Even lighter at times.  So that makes me think that this is all okay and just a part of it.

Anyway, this post, well, I don't even know where I am trying to go with it.  Other than to say that my hair is really short, and a lot of the way gone.  I loved talking with Michael's parent's tonight (once I regained my composure).  I am still getting used to the fact that I have these new parent's who love me like their own.  It is nice.  And since then I've gotten calls from my brother Krishan, and my uncle Jim.  For someone who doesn't like talking on the phone, I've had a pretty great night.  A walk with the dogs and my sweetie, delicious, healthy food, love, and catharsis.  Now it's time for that good book....Good night!

photo from www.istockphoto.com