2009

So here begins a new year.  The cold air, and long nights leave lots of room for cozy introspection, and I find I've been doing much of it lately. 

2009 has been, well, quite unbelieveable in terms of life experiences.  It is definitely a year I will never forget, nor want to.  I've experienced a lot, I've loved a lot, and I've learned a lot. 

Michael and I nested more deeply into our home together.   We started the year off by building a strong and sturdy retaining wall in our front yard.   We have started to learn about gardening, and growing our own keep. We successfully had our first (small) garden enjoying its bounty immensly.  We lovingly visited it every single day, often twice, to see what gifts it brings.  We have so much to learn, but you've got to start somewhere, right? In my emotional state right now, symbolism oozes from this experience together.

This year has brought us more awareness of the local foods movement, eating organic, and the importance of sustainability--things we are eager to develop further as we form more completely our desires for a creating a life and a career in the mountains. 

We spent a lovely week at Kripalu together, deepening our love for one another, connecting, and breathing in each moment that is that amazing magical place.  Kripalu is one of my most favorite places on earth, and I am so grateful that my partner in life resonates with it as well.  Again, these experiences are helping us form in our minds what it is that we'd like to create.

Our engagment at the Leonard Cohen concert in Phoenix, AZ after a weekend hiking and camping in Sedona..was...unbelievable.  I will never ever forget that weekend.  It will always remind me that we are young at heart, spontaneous, adventurous, and passionate. 

Our souls were fueled throughout the year by camping in our own backyard. The southeast has some of the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen, and the magic of these old Appalachain Mountains runs deep.  L.E.A.F, Transformus, Sandy Ford, Kiawah., Carter's Lake.  My life is rich with experience.  And our friends.  WOW. I've got some fun friends who like to get out there and live it.  And I love that!

And of course, the wedding.  There are no words to describe the feelings I felt that weekend.  It was everything I had ever dreamed of as a little girl and more.  We kept trying to take time outs to just remember a specific moment.  Let's burn this one moment in time in our brains and remember this feeling...  It was a true celebration of the heart.  We were surrounded by family and friends and LOVE was pumping its way through every cell in my body.  The beautiful blessing way, ahh........Michaelle and Lia, thank you thank you.  And thank you to every woman who was there.  You truly blessed me.  Circling with women the day before my wedding was fuel for my feminity and reminds me of this wonderful bond that only women can share. 

The rehearsal dinner, a perfect celebration to precede the grand celebration.  Laughter, love, family, friends.  FIRE! Drumming! Dancing! 

Saturday, October 3rd., I woke up and the view from my bedroom pillow was that of crystal clear blue skies, and the foothills of the Appalachain mountains smiling upon me.  I stepped outside and the crisp air almost took my breath away.  This is my wedding day, and it is perfect. A beautiful day surrounded by days of rain.  The day was again filled with my dear women friends and family.  Primping and preening, and creating memories.  Windows open, breeze blowing through curled hair, women laughing, telling stories, reliving memories of years past.  ahhh...it was true woman hood, a sacred and ancient phenomenon.

And of course the ceremony and celebration.  It was a blur.  But I had this handsome man by my side.  My husband, my love, my life.  It is the perfect memory.  And I call on it whenever I need it.  It is almost like I can't put words to it, because nothing will do it justice. Every single second of that day was joyous. And happy. And full. And I thank everyone who helped make it happen.
As I sit back, these some three months later, I see that the gift runs even so much deeper than just that weekend.  For one, I've married a partner to my soul.  And the gift keeps giving every morning when I wake up next to that angel of mine.  And then a hundred other times thorughout the day. 

I also fully appreciate the entirety of what it means to have a wedding.  All the months leading up to the wedding...the planning, the dress-making (Margie, what a gift this was...whew, makes me tear up to think about it), the parties, the phone conversations!  It is all so special.  It is a time to integrate in new family.  A family that I LOVE so dearly.  Michael's family is now my family too, and it feels GOOD. 

The holidays that close out the year this year were exponentially more special.  It is amazing the light that is cast on life when it is threatened.  Fortunately Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas fell on my 'good weeks' which was a blessing in itself.

Halloween with my family at Carter's Lake.  I was at such peace that weekend.  Just a few short weeks after the start of my therapy, when I was still scared and unknowing of what was to come.  But that weekend was blissful.  I was so happy surrounded by my family.  My parent's who I am so incredibly grateful for to have such a loving and deep relationship and connection with.  And Margie and Ray.  ...  family.  Again, it feels good. 

Thanksgiving with Patty, Becky, Pat and Michael and Curtis...or as we called it "Michael and the Lesbians"  (they want to start a band) was so nice.  We celebrated in our home and it was just another reminder that I absolutely LOVE cooking  for people and having them warm our home.  

Christmas was so nice and easy this year.  Michael's parent's were able to make it too!  We celebrated Chrsitmas Eve at mom and dad's, and Christmas day at Margie and Ray's.  This tradtion we've kept for several years now, and I love it.  And I LOVED this year.  I was again...almost manic.  Life felt so good.  Being around family and friends felt SO good.

And then Michael and I escaped for a romantic getaway to Callaway gardens...where it was just that...romantic.  Ahhh, so romantic.  Even the cheesy festival of lights trolley ride was unbeliveably fun because I was sitting there with my love.  And he was keeping me warm. 

New Years Eve...well, what can I say, I was sick.  I had just had chemo, but it was okay.  Michael stayed with me.  We watched such bad movies that they were almost good.  I fell asleep before midnight, and he tenderly woke me up at 5 til, with laptop turned on in bed to stream the NY ball drop.  We counted down, we kissed, we said Happy New Year, and I curled up closer to him and soundly slept while he fed his night owl desires with computer games. 

New Years day with friends, eating all the symbolic foods.  And laughing, and being together.  It was really really nice.

This weekend I got to begin this new year circling with women, and it was powerful.  I was sick, and not feeling good, but I picked myself up, and drove myself to Athens to do something good for my soul.  And I was grateful for it.  It lit that fire again in me that I know I forever need to feed.  The sacred feminine. 

And I came home from that to a wonderful evening with friends from Brazil.  They are here visiting, and I wanted to see them and hug them and give them good hospitality as they did for me when I was visiting their home. 

So, yes, I've been diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, and I am going thorugh treatment that is not easy.  I feel bad half of the time.  But I get respite.  Above the physcial discomfort I have had to learn to deal with (or at least try) the emotional stuff that comes with such an illness and all the associated complications.  I have experienced some of the toughest things I have ever experienced yet in my life.  And it is still not over.  As I sit here and type, my brain is still being held in that vice clamp, and my stomach feels as if I've been on a spinny ride at Six Flags for too long.  My emotions are raw and at the surface. I don't feel like standing up for very long.  But at least I am experiencing it.  I always said, I'd rather live with sad so that I can enjoy the happy.  Well, that about sums it up.  As the pits get deeper, so do the peaks get higher. 

And I am fine with that. 

With this illness I have been changed.  I see things differently.  I remember so vividly driving down my street this fall and realizing I might very well cause an accident because I was in awe of the beauty of the trees. 

I've also experienced the power of compassion and kindness.  You all.  You in my life have left a deep impact on me.  And I thank you.  You will make me a better person for it.  I hope less selfish, I hope more giving.  Because it makes a difference. 

So here is to 2010.  I hope to keep experiencing life deeply. 

I wish you all a happy new year filled with love and light.

the picture is of Michael cycling our way through Callaway Gardens December 27th, 2009.