The Update

So, I am sure all of you are wondering what is next. That is the logical question. 

I was grateful to have the weekend away in New Orleans for Amanda and Mark's wedding last weekend.  It was a perfect escape of reality.  I was surrounded by the magic of two souls in love, amazing friends, old and new, and of course, my sweet husband who I absolutely fall in love with again and again, hundreds of  times a day.  I feel like I have won the lottery finding that man for all of the love and support he gives me every second of the day. 

So we come back to reality, and it hits hard.  Like an atom bomb.  But there are no choices in the matter, you move on, that is what happens.  Time ticks on, and you live it.

We met with the reproductive specialist on Tuesday.  It is likely that the next treatment will put me into menopause.  It hurts to even write that, let alone accept it.  But that is that.  There is also the chance that I'll be fine, and bleed until I am in my 50s.  Life is a crap shoot.  But, with odds like they are, I wanted to meet with a doctor to give me my options. 

We talked for an hour and a half, and the best option seems to be to freeze embryos.  As it happens though...the lab that makes these embryos from my eggs and Michael's sperm is closed two weeks a year for quality control purposes. And guess what?  The lab just happens to be closed during the two weeks I need them.  So, I could start this process tomorrow, but because of this, I have to go on two weeks of birth control to accelerate my next period.  Once I bleed again, they give me hormone shots for two weeks and can then harvest my eggs.  And then the next day I can start treatment. 

So AGAIN with the medical decision making. This is so stressful.  Should we wait a month to start treatment again, or start treatment this week and risk the possibility of never being able to have our own children.  We haven't even decided as a couple as to whether or not we even want children.  I feel like we have to make this really serious decision in a week. 

But, we, as a couple, have made the decision.  We are going to try for the egg harvest.  Having the eggs doesn't mean we have to decide right now as to whether or not we will have children, it just leaves our options open.  I know many people might judge me for this because it postpones my treatment, but I have to follow my  heart.  It is what I have to go on right now.  And he supports me 100%.  Our decision has come from hours of the most intense yet loving, conversation.  The kind that is pure and from the heart--on both sides.  We aren't playing around anymore, life makes you grow up fast and make some hard decisions.   

I go in tomorrow for blood tests to make sure my ovaries are even functioning well enough to try the harvest.  If those tests come back showing poor ovarian function, the point is moot.  But if they are fine, we are going to go ahead with the process.  We feel like it will keep our options open and might make these next months of treatment less stressful.  I've talked to my oncologist about this, and he seems fine with waiting unless I start experiencing symptoms such as drenching night sweats, rapid weight loss, pain, or itching (I had this before, my body itched all over).  So far I have none of these symptoms, and he said we only detected this because of surveillance, not symptoms, so he feels more confident to wait.   I've actually been feeling really good.  I am kicking ass in boot camp, feeling great energy, and I haven't suffered from seasonal allergies, something that has plagued me for over 10 years.  It is amazing!

An endearing part of the whole thing is that we found out is that this clinic does gratis work for cancer patients.  They only charge cost for the procedures, and Livestrong, Lance Armstrong's charity group for cancer patients in their fertile years, pays for the fertility drugs.  So something that should cost $20,000 will only cost us $8,000.  Still a lot for an indecisive couple, but worth it to us for the peace of mind--I guess you call it insurance. 

So I have to say, this past week was insanely difficult.  I have cried from the depths of my soul.  Michael and I have just sat and held each other for many moments while I cry, or we are numb and just have each other to hold us up.  My parent's have been amazingly strong and loving.  My mom calls me several times a day which I count on, and when I am at work, they visit often to just sit with me and process things.  My dad canceled my work trip to Denver this weekend because he said I needed to be here with family on my "good weekends".  I was set to go, but that act alone set shocks of love to me.

Michael's mom and aunt came to visit for dinner on Thursday, which was so nice to just see them and be with them.  Patty and Margie have been awesome in their love and support.  Not to mention the myriads of people who have shown their love and support in this critical time. 

My first day back at the alternative clinic was emotional...a set back for many.  But the love was strong. The love and support I get from everyone there lifted me up. 

And so I feel like I have journeyed to the dark side but am crawling out and seeing the light.  It just took a bit.  This weekend was amazing.  I haven't been home for a weekend in as long as I can remember, and so this weekend we barely left the house.  We spent the entire weekend at home, and loved it.  We loved just being with each other, and creating our nest.  We rode bikes, worked in the garden, made delicious healthy food, and watched silly movies that made us laugh.  We enjoyed the little things.  So thank you dad.  We needed it. 

So there it is in a nut shell.  We wait to start treatment unless my blood tests come back tomorrow saying otherwise. 

Mentally we are doing better.  This is summer after all, my absolute favorite time of year.  So how could life be that bad after all?  I sit here typing this on my porch, with my love by my side, and the sound of frogs and owls permeating the moist warm air that smells rich with life.