The power of the mind

http://chancetoheal.com/tag/guided-meditation/

So, where to begin.  Well, I'd first like to say that I am feeling like I am in a good place finally.  It certainly has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, and continues to be.  But something has shifted in me these past two months that is beyond words.

On June 15th, when I heard the results of my PET scan, my world fell to pieces around me.   And since then we have been through the ringer with ups and downs, each down taking an immeasurable hit. I have had a very difficult time working, and have become consumed with the "what next".   It became quite clear to me, clearer than ever before, that if I don't find some way to cope with stress and bad news that I wasn't going to make it.  And so I set out to find a way to cope because not making it is not an option.

In these past two months I have become very good at my second job...managing my life--which really has become my first job.  I've already mentioned the strain of the many doctor's appointments and all that is associated with that, and the research, and the second opinions, and the decisions, not to mention all of the treatments and procedures I've done.   In addition to all of that I have sought out help in the mental/emotional/spiritual realm.  And it is here that I have discovered tools that will help me the rest of my life.  It is here that I have become empowered because I have now seen how I can change the state of my mind.

...and I did it last week...and it rocked my world...long story but I got bad news (again) and totally flipped out.  But I got a grip, and turned the mind around.  And it ended up being okay after all.

I still have a lot to learn, but I am happy to see the progress so far.

What I have learned...I don't have to be afraid of my emotions.  I have always heard that a positive attitude will heal you.  And so every time I got sad, or scared, or angry or cried, I would immediately begin to judge myself for not being strong enough to power through with positivity.  But thanks to those of you out there helping me with this, you've let me realize that I can feel all of these emotions and it is okay.  It is okay to feel sad, angry, scared and it is okay to cry.  And it is interesting, once I am given permission, the feelings arise and flow through and out of me and I feel better.  I am not fighting them anymore, and in a way, it gives them less power.  So here I thought that the exceptional patient (I am reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie Seigel, excellent book!) lives in positivity, but really I was understanding it wrong.  In order to reach a state of positivity, you must be truthful to yourself and allow thoughts to come in and out.  If you don't let them flow through and out, then they get stuck and you continue to feel those emotions.  Becky, I can't thank you enough for this gift.

I am also learning the power of meditation.  Truly this time.  Intellectually I have always understood the benefits, but I've never really experienced them.  I've given up to boredom, or frustration of the noise in the head.  But this time it is working as an excellent tool to help me calm down, maybe because I've never been so wound up, haha.  I've been doing some group meditations too, and wow, the energy bonus of that is amazing.

I've been practicing different kinds of meditation too.  Quiet, with a mantra (taught to me by my parents).  Heart-focused meditation with breathwork (taught to me by one of the therapists I am seeing), guided meditation, and energy meditation allowing for any kind of movement or sound that feels like escaping.  Now, this last form of meditation is particularly scary to me, it always has been.  But I am finally getting it.  I am tapping into that soul energy that needs to move and it is powerful.  I even screamed at the top of my lungs several times in one assisted meditation.  And as rattled as it made me, it needed to happen, and I became more fluid, and more grounded.

Michael and I have been doing energy work together and visualizing my tumor gone.  I woke up one morning convinced that Michael had healed me.  Whether or not this is true, it is such a sweet connection for the two of us.  No harm can come from love shared full of good intention, right?

So I am seeing therapists, I am doing group work, I am working on my own and with Michael, and I have sought out support groups. Piedmont Hospital has an excellent program for cancer patients, survivors, and friends and family.  I even applied and was accepted to attend Wind Rivers Retreat, a retreat for cancer patients.   And, the women's circle is starting up again in a couple short weeks.  I've missed those women!

I am really working on myself here, and this is just the beginning.  In less than a week I have my followup PET scan, and I need to be ready for whatever answer it gives.  ...  so here's to taking deep breaths.