the shift

Warning:  this post is disjointed with a poor, and rambling  flow...but I wanted to put down on paper my thoughts these past days even though I am under the influence of drugs...my intentions are good.
 
Well folks, so far I am surprising the hell out of myself (in a good way!).  And my only explanation is that I've earned it! haha (I've had help!)  I really think that following the path that I have has made me ready for this next phase.  I couldn't have done this any other way, I realize that now...all those worries about decisions, etc...well, all those decisions got me here, and here is me feeling really like I can BEAT this.

I am sitting in a space of being okay with what is next.  I am hooked up to a pump that injects ifosfomide in my veins every 2 seconds for 24 hours, and that is just one of the three drugs I've been given so far.  And I didn't cry once today!! This is HUGE!  I am seeing these drugs as healing elixirs instead of poison, which I thought of before.

I slept fine Tuesday night before starting chemo again...that never happened during the 10 treatments I had last year.  I cried at every one of those treatments except the last one.  The chemo sickness started on day one of chemo and it lasted a week.  I am on day 2 now and still feel pretty okay.

Instead of crying I even had a fun day being silly with Michael at the infusion center and then eating the MOST delicious bowl of Pho (everything tastes really good on steroids). And then mom went with me to the acupuncturist and we shopped for christmas trees!  And then Krishan called and it was so nice to connect with him. 

I also woke up this morning thinking that this stem cell transplant is going to give me a second chance at making my immune system right.  I wasn't born unhealthy...something happened between when those stem cells reproduced, and I got sick with serious allergies, and then cancer.

So I've toughened up, or softened up...depending on how you look at it. The energy has shifted in my body.  And I dream of land and retreat and health.  That wouldn't have happened if we had taken any other path.

I wanted to tell you about my spirit animal experience I had on Tuesday, but then I got on Patty's blog and she does such a very good job of telling the story plus giving great bits of inspiration...so please go here and read.  The snake... Patty knows how to use words so eloquently, I just love reading her posts.  

So I am doing pretty good.  Now lets just hope that this isn't the steroids talking ;p  But, when they wear off, I also believe I can deal with what comes. I don't expect all sunshine...but like Michael pointed out this weekend at the beach, the sunsets aren't as brilliant without the clouds.