Dear Diary

The chemotherapy nurse told me I should keep a diary to help me keep track of my symptoms during these cycles of therapy.  I can see the usefulness in this...a way to help cope during the hard times, and to know that there is a ray of sunshine to come soon!! 

So I have this journal.  And thought I'd put my diary entry here.  Now I know in a typical diary you are supposed to write everyday.  I hope I haven't waited too long to write and have forgotten some of the deatils.  Let's see...

Wednesday--chemo (I already wrote about this part).  Purely exhausted from the emotional trauma of it all. 

Thursday--enema/coffee enema a.m.  Work, feeling good. 

Friday--first nausea pill in a.m.  IV, hyperbaric, home to sleep.  Up for dinner and walk.  Most nauseated that evening.  Emotionally good.

Saturday--very fatigued.  Nausea pill in a.m.  Stayed home all day.  Had lovely visitors!!  Emotionally good. Slept, slept...

Sunday--enema/coffee enema.  Felt worse after the enema's.  No nausea pill though. Mostly feverish and heavy.   Krish and Augie came over and helped with some house stuff.  I love my brothers!!  Fatigued, lazy.  Emotionally okay.  Slept well.

Monday--morning at the clinic.  Fatigued.  Nausea gone.  Starting to notice that I am pretty emotionally unstable.  I look ragged--dark circles under the eyes.  Don't have energy to fix hair or make-up. Crying too much anyway for that.  I sleep like the dead in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber.  Go to work in the afternoon and hit a wall after only 3 hours. I get this e-mail from my aunt Patty telling me about a post she wrote about me on her blog.  SO increbily touching that I can't even read it completely at work because I am so thin. You should read it here:  Fierce Grace  It is very touching and beautiful.  But I had to save it for another day.  It was too much for me.. I don't know how that speaks to fierce grace!!  I went home and slept while Michael made the most delicious dinner.  And 9 pm came and I said..okay..Bed time???  And he looked at me bewildered, but came to bed to lie with me while I slept.  I just love that man of mine. 

Tuesday--worst morning yet.  I can't stop crying.  I am at the clinic and I can't even stop crying when the nurse tries to hook me up to the IV.  They give me some extra magnesium and some herbal anti-anxiety pills.  The magnesium helps.  Then I go to the hyperbaric oxygen chamber and cry non-stop in my private escape.  It was a strange cry.  Not the kind where I was crying for a reason.  It felt like my body was trying to get rid of something...like vomiting...but with tears.  It was a deep sob.  Fierce grace alright!!  That lasted all told about 2 hours.  I was left numb.  And raw.  And totally exhausted.  And then I went to work.  Bad idea.  Anytime someone came and talked to me I'd cry.  I'd cry if someone wasn't talking to me.  I was like a leaky faucet in need of a plumber in the worst way.  I lasted for about 3 hours.  And went home and passed out on the couch. 

Now, Tuesday's are the days that I am getting the glutathione/lipoic acid IVs.  These are different from the vitamin C IVs.  These are potent antioxidant IVs.  And I truly felt that this along with the catharsis was my turning point. 

Wednesday morning I woke up and began to remember what it was like to feel normal again.  I had glmipses of happiness.  of hope.  of energy. I went to the clinic to get the IV and hyperbaric.  I was going to go home and work, but I went home and slept for almost 2 hours.  I woke up feeling refreshed and ALIVE!!  We had dinner out with a friend--like a real person!  Out...us!  Out of the house doing something fun!!

So that was it.  Since then I've been feeling GREAT!! I keep telling Michael how good I feel. WOW! I feel good today . yay!!  It feels good to feel good.  ahhhh.a.....h  yes.  I am smiling.  And brushing my hair.  And off the couch! 

Thursday I did the clinic and work, and it was fine!! Thursday night we had our first friends over since being married.  It was lovely.

Friday I worked ALL day!!  And felt good!  And productive!  We went to the haunted house that night, and lapped up all the yummy goodness that is friendship.  I lathered and bathed in the love from that.  Whether they knew it or not, I loved just being with them. 

Saturday Michael and I had the most romantic date day up in the mountains.  Being silly at the pumpkin patch in the fridgid weather.  Hiking.  And then coming home to delicious dinner and Coraline--a great movie!!

Sunday we got to see new beginnings.  Cleaned and purged the spare room (desparately needed!!) with mom.  And ended the day with a lovely dinner with friends hearing of travels and good times. 

So that brings me to today.  I feel great.  I am happy.  And I am about to head to the Kaiser office to check my blood counts to see if I can begin this whole cycle again on Wednesday. 

Good news is, I can feel my tumors have already shrunk!!  So good things are happening. 

love to you all!!