news

I am typing this post after watching beautiful sunset with my family over the marsh at the Aerie.  After the initial shock and emotional release, I am feeling amazingly calm for hearing bad news for the third time.   I asked Michael if I am handling this better because bad news gets easier to hear.  And he says well, yes, that can be, or it can be that you are stronger than you have ever been (Becky fiercly confirmed this to me today too), and we know that we can keep fighting and move forward.   This is our path now, and it is what it is.

Dr. Hamrick delivered the bad news with most kind spirit.  He said that the tumor has returned in my mediastinum (chest).  But, it hasn't spread to other organs, and he says we are in the same place as we were this summer before the biopsy.  I said, well, we gave it our best shot.  He responded without any hint of ego, but just pure encouragement and faith with saying you did what you needed to do, and we will keep fighting to beat this.   I won't forget his kindness. He e-mailed me the PET results and said in the e-mail enjoy my Thankgiving holiday and we will begin to fight again next week.  I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie Seigal this fall and think I lucked out finding a doctor who seems to fall into this special set of doctors who understand and embrace the doctor patient relationship.

So I am here with my family and I am going to enjoy this weekend for what it is...a celebration for the good in life.  Love, family, nature, laughter, and relaxation in a beautiful place.  ... a reminder for all that we are grateful for.

Part of me feels solid about going forward with this harsh treatment because I know we tried our best with the less toxic treatments.  They didn't work, but at least I won't be years out from a stem cell transplant, suffering from the side effects, and wondering what would have happened if I just took those three months to see if other things would work.  

This is the path we've chosen.  And I am surprisingly okay with it.  We held true to our beliefs, and still do.   There will still be fears, and sadness, and pain, but it won't last forever.  And thank goodness I have spent these past months really working on the mental/emotional/spiritual side of my life because that will help make this whole thing easier.

So next week I start ICE chemotherapy in preparation for and high-dose chemotherapy and autologous stem cell transplant.  This will heal me once and for all.  And, we do have the best medical care available for recovery from these treatments. 

Onward and upward.  My deepest love to  you all.  I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving and you better believe I will be thinking of you with gratitude in my heart.

...and p.s..  I am signing off, and what song comes over satellite radio while my family is buzzing around making a delicious dinner?  Shower the People you Love with Love by James Taylor.  It brings tears to my sappy soul...