the good things

The things I hope to always remember...

I was lying on the couch last night after a really rough day and Michael comes and cradles me in his lap. We just lie there, lights almost out, no music on, no tv on. Just us. Him holding me, me feeing his breath, comforting, and loving. I know he is with me for this long haul, he is my rock, my best friend, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. He knew that we needed no words, we just needed to be there in the arms of each other, feeling our hearts beat. He knew I needed to be held up in his arms, he can give me strength.

After awhile my parent's call to check on us with such love. They let me cry, without rescue. I get to talk to dad for awhile and he shares with me wonderful things that get my mind off the day. We say our loving goodnights and I make my way to bed.

It was early still, so Michael was up and around making food for us for the weekend. I put on Adyashanti's meditation CD which has become such a source of strength for me even though I fade in and out of listening. In my veil between the worlds of sleep and wakefulness I have these amazing sensations of being cradled by loving hands. It was an extension of my meditation with Patty and Mary the night before where we did some amazing energy work and I truly felt the arms of many, of us, of you, of the divine, cradling us. It was incredibly powerful and also a source of strength.

So that is how I drifted off to sleep, cradled in love, with a sense of protection and hopefulness.

And that is how I want to remember yesterday...not the ins and outs of yesterday...which were...

I had begun to notice the night before that my heart kept fluttering when I sat in certain positions. From my previous experience being awake during my port procedure a year and a half ago, I remembered that if the catheter was in too far that it would cause heart arrhythmia's. So this was my concern that I brought to the chemo nurses attention yesterday morning. So began the day where mom and I toured 9 rooms of Northside Hospital between x-rays, EKGs, admissions for surgery, and then surgery to correct the catheter that was too far into my heart. I couldn't go under sedation for this procedure since I had eaten, so I bit the bullet and went under the knife with an Ativan under my tongue. Needless to say, the procedure was extremely painful--going into a fresh wound and all with a whole lot of tugging and pushing and pulling, but I had the best team of nurses and doctor's there for me. It was incredible. The one nurse that was by my side every step of the way...I'll never ever forget him. He let me squeeze his hand so hard I am sure I bruised it. They had complications because they had to put this port on my left side (they normally do the right because it is the straightest shot, but I already have a port on my right side). So in correcting the problem, they had to bend the catheter in newly damaged tissue, which was inflamed already. Because of the complication, and my obvious scared reaction they decided to give something to me to help calm me down, which made things better. Finally they got it, and in the nick of time...because we had to be back for chemo!

As you know I already had to postpone chemo one day because of the benedryl reaction, and I was NOT interested in postponing another day. AT ALL. I wanted to get the show on the road! There was a bit of a flexing muscles show between the nurses and the pharmacist. The doctor was fine with it. I got agitated and tearful...I think that melted a heart a bit. So it all came down to ... if I could be back by 2:00pm, they'd consider it. And, if there were some real reason I needed to postpone, I would have. So by gosh, my mom and I high tailed it all over that hospital. She even took me by wheel chair back to the chemo place after surgery promising that she'd bring it back (we didn't want to wait for someone to haul me over there). And we made it back by 1:45!! My mom is totally awesome. Have I mentioned this before?? :)

So they hooked me up to the pre-meds, then the chemo and we left the hospital at 5 pm, 10 hours after we got there.

I felt pretty terrible by the time I left the hospital. Nausea, head fog. I got side-tracked before I could even count the number of drugs they put in my body yesterday. But I was home, and I figure I have gotten off to a rocky start, but there will be rocky times during this, and we see that I still make it out okay. If I have times like my night last night, then it will all be okay.

I slept well last night and have been feeling much better today. I met a new friend at the transplant center today and she is a week post transplant with the best attitude. She looks great, and says even though she's had her share of hurdles, she is doing better each day. What an inspiration!!

SO in deep deep appreciation to you all for your cradling hands that comfort me as I drift off to sleep. I love you!!

(how do you like my fat, red little steroid face??, Oh, I just love it.)