Eve, checking in!

Misty moisty second night--view from my room.  Not bad!

Here's a big shout out thank you to mom for taking on blog responsibilities this past week.  As you can see, we've been through some stuff, so it was nice of her to keep you informed.  I appreciate all of your e-mails and concerns, and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner (or if at all yet).

So in a nutshell I have to say I am doing as well as can be expected (even better actually). We were prepared with the knowledge that I might be admitted for fevers and mucositis (mouth sores).  And indeed I was.  But what I was not prepared for was having the hospital stay feel like such a blessing.  I have a very comfortable, clean, room with a great view.  The hospital staff is very nice and are really encouraging that I will be over this hard part soon.  Because of the way I've been feeling this past week, I am intensely grateful that I can be here at the hospital and not having to figure all this out at home while still making the 6 am trekks to the clinic for the necessary IVs.

long day...time for rest!

There was a bit of a tough landing here on Tuesday night with vomiting right at shift change.  It took awhile for everyone to get things together and realize that I simply can't swallow hardly anything.  So the had to get all my meds switched over from pills to liquid (still not great) or, even better, IV.  It also took awhile to get the ideal nausea med schedule figured out, but now it is like clockwork, and my team here is awesome.  So nausea is controlled.

It then took us really about until Thursday late-morning for me to get this pain pump thing figured out on dosage, etc.  My goal is to get SOMETHING caloric down, without feeling totally drugged and out of it (I hate that feeling).  I don't mind a little bit of standing pain if it means that I am not zonkered and don't have to eat.

Now, to those nutritionists out there, please plug your ears as what I am about to say will make you cringe.  Believe me, it does me too.  My goal for today is to get 3 Ensures down the gullet.  Wednesday I managed to get one down, and yesterday I had a butterscotch pudding cup and a scoop and a half of (ORGANIC, hahahah) ice cream that Michael brought for me.  Yesterday I even finished an entire glass of water (a first since I have been here).

I know what you are thinking....we have access to all of these healthy shakes and protein powders, etc. And yes, we do, but some nutrients in these things are like pouring battery acid on open wounds.  Mom is bringing a plain protein powder shake today with a frozen banana and we'll see how that goes down (I hope it is yummy).   She's tried different versions and so far we haven't found a winner.

You can imagine my disappointment with all of this food/nutrient issue, when I've been saying from the start that this rebirth period is probably the most important time for good nutrition.  We've even hired a fantastic chef because I felt it is so important.  But what this is teaching me is that I simply have to let go of stressing about this.  Everyone tells me my mouth will be better in 2-5 more days.  And when I can settle into this routine here at the hospital without resistance to or depression or guilt about the food then my life is much happier here.

I am doing vit D dops and am also opening up capsules of vit E and rubbing it into the sores.  My mouth was regime is brings the biggest relief from the pain that last for about 10 minutes.

So I have settled in quite nicely here.  I have found the routine that works for me.  I  am comfortable, and feel well cared for.  Mom and I walked 2/3 of a mile on Wednesday, and a whole mile yesterday (after blood products!!) around the unit yesterday.  Mom also gave me a sponge bath yesterday that felt divine, and we laughed about the rebirth theme again...

Michael has been keeping me company at nights.  He spent the first two nights over night with me, but he was getting no sleep at all because of the constant interruptions, so I insisted he sleep at home last night.  I missed him, but felt the best knowing that he was getting good sleep. And I don't feel alone here.

I had to visitors yesterday...thank you!!!  It was so nice to see friendly faces :)  I am tired though and can't really talk much so the visits were short but sweet.  I appreciate the calls too, but unfortunately I can't talk very well, so it is hard for me to call you back.  But thanks thanks for the thoughts!!

So there you go, all is well.  I am not feeling depressed or anxious or upset.  I am just "being" and that is just fine for right now.  My grandmother has been doing a lot of reiki on me, and I can feel her calming presence.  It is nice.

I always have lots of things dripping into me....see Michael's bed in the background.  

view from the window this morning.