It's been awhile...

So yes, I know...it has been awhile.  I've completely skipped over talking about my second chemo experience.  Really nothing other to blame it on than pure laziness. I am totally lacking discipline these days.  I have found myself succumbing to the couch more often lately.  It is amazing the magnetic draw this green mammoth has on me.  I didn't think discipline was something that I'd have to work on during this time.  But I need it so that I can sit back and look at this time as a time of growth, introspection, and, well, not just a blur of blah. I don't want to wither away this opportunity for growth, and I feel like I am struggling a bit with that now.  That was the one thing that I really looked forward to when I heard about this diagnosis.  I thought I'd have more time for working on myself.  But between doctors appointments, and trying to work, and fatigue. I am finding the space making absent.  But the thing is....there IS space. I just need to take it. 

Attention span-- is short short short. For example, today--I have to take Tylenol every six hours for the next two days to counteract the side effects of one of the chemo drugs on my lungs.  First of all, I couldn't remember where I put the darn bottle from last time.  You'd think I'd have put it in the place where the medicines go.  Well, not there.  So I went to look another place, but I found myself several minutes later doing something completely different!  And then I remembered I was on a path to find the pills.  So I realigned and still couldn't find them.  So I went to look for my phone to call Michael, when I found myself getting side tracked again with a paper I found on the table next to where my phone was. I completely forgot about the tylenol and the phone call until I sat back on the couch.

So my brain isn't crystal these days.  Some days are better than others.  I find tasks at work difficult--reading most specifically.  I have been having up days though.  So I know my brain isn't ruined.

I've also been side tracked with trying to get this book finished for book club.  It was a very long mystery novel. A kind that I don't normally read.  But I felt like I needed to get it finished because I've missed these past two months.  So, to garner the attention span to get deep enough in it for it to be engaging was tough.  And then I had three days to finish 400 pages.  Well, I almost did it, and went to book club and really enjoyed my time with the ladies.  :)  That was worth it.  But I am really thinking now that I am going to spend my time reading books that I really want to read.  AND, most importantly, finding some way to find a good UPLIFTING book.  We've read nothing but downers for months now, and my personal reading hasn't produced any uplifting books either  So I welcome any suggestions from you all.  I am not looking for anything overly religious. Philosophical and introspective, yes.  Just good, feel good, inspirational books.  Memoirs are always nice.  I might pick up 10,000 white women.  I heard this was good.   

Well, as I read back on this it kind of sounds like a whole lot of complaining.  Today was probably a bad day to write this post as it is the first day of round 3, so I am all doped up on anti nausea meds, steroids, and chemo.   And not feeling the best. Not to mention that my hormones are a little crazy right now. I also got really hungry on my way home from the infusion center and in some crazy moment of weakness stopped and got chick-fil-a.  TOTAL Crap.  But I wanted something greasy.  And I am pms'ing, and not really caring.  And that devil voice in my head spoke so loudly saying things like--who cares if you eat this shit.  You don't normally eat this and you still got cancer, so what the hell does it matter.  Anger is not a very familiar emotion with me, but it pops up every so often.  So I ate this food, and have been feeling like it poisioned me just as badly as the stupid drugs.  blah.

Maybe I should just stop writing today because I am feeling crabby.

And now I am crying.  Shit. 
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Breathe...breathe...okay.  Sometimes a cry is what I need to move through the tough time.

Let's go back a round.  Because it was very different than round 1.  I do want to talk about all the wonderful things from the past two weeks, because there have been some highlights that make my heart large.

Firstly, I got an e-mail from Dr. Hartle talking about how the full moon she saw on her drive home after our wedding, and then two nights ago so vividly reminded her of the color of my wedding dress.  I LOVE love this image.  Thank you Dr. Hartle for sending love and support, and giving me this gift that I will always remember each full moon.

Bonnie worked hard to help Jason get the photos from the wedding posted the day after my last chemo.  I sat in the IV chair at Progressive and just poured over those amazing photos for two hours. Ahh, nothing like a memory of happy times to make being at the doctor's office not so bad.  After the IV was finished, I packed up the computer, and moved my hair away from my face to get up.  And that's when it happened.  A large clump of hair came out in my hand.  Yin and yang again.  My really happy highs have frequently been juxtaposed with really down ones lately..

Andre, the tech there that is just priceless...always seems to walk in when I start to cry.  And, being a man, (not saying that all men are like this), he always gets all uncomfortable and stuff when I lose it.  He immediately began dialing a phone number on his cell phone, and then handed the phone to me saying I need to talk to this person.  He connected me with a past patient who had gone through what I was going through.  She was SOooo nice.  And it really did feel good to hear about her experience of losing her hair.  She is cancer free now.  And her hair is growing in thick and beautiful.

So it just so happened that Daniele and Heather were planning on coming over for potluck dinner that night.  And as they arrived, I said, ready to mix this party up??  How about we cut my hair?  And of course they were all game.  We ate delicious food together, on the floor of the living room.  I just love those girls.  And then Michael ran to the store and cashed in on April and Donald Earl's gift certificate to buy us a head shaving device.  SO thank you guys.  You were there in spirit on that heavy night. 

And off they went.  whew..it was quite a thing.  I've always had long hair.  I love long hair.  And I've known since the beginning of this whole thing that this would happen.  How to prepare yourself??  Hmmm....no way to.  But I can say that the timing was so right.  We created such a sacred space with love and compassion and intention.  Daniele spent a long time just brushing my hair.  Heather rubbed my hands.  Michael got the gadget all figured out.  And curtis watched.  They all took turns cutting.  And then it was gone.  I decided to go pixie for now, and I am not ready for the bald look yet . Everything in its own time.  After the girls left, Michael said.  Well, my turn.  ... and I had such mixed emotions.  I love his beautiful hair.  Why should we sacrifice both of ours??  But he was adamant, and wanted to do it.  He is showing outward support to the world for me.  And I just love that man.  So we did it.  I did it actually.  I shaved my beloved's head.  And he's got such a cute little pea head.

 

 

 

 

Good things these past two weeks:
--surprise birthday party for a friend...I made it there for the surprise!!  And then left the others to the debauchery.
--care package delivery from Becky and Pat with cool new hats and yummy homemade food!!
--weekend away in the mountains with my family...ahhhh.....THAT was medicine right there. I was SOOooo happy all weekend.
--RIN, Michael's mother CUT her hair off too!!!!!  Crazy!!!  But she looks so cute. And I love that woman.  She is so supportive and loving.
--spending time with Patty at her house.  And pouring over her amazing art work trying to decide which to pick for our wedding present!!! SOOoooo hard to narrow that down!!  She ended up giving us our shared one, and then one for each of us.  So generous, but so welcomed.
--Grandma, and her reiki.  She's been full of love and care, and spoils me with lots of reiki sessions.  Last week she came over to the house and we had a powerful session.  And afterwards she let me drift off to sleep on the couch while she just sat with me.  She is a healer and a giver.  And I am so lucky to have her in my life.
--final harvest from our summer garden..and delicious baba ganoush as a result!
--hemi-sync!!!! OMG!  have you guys heard of this.  This is something you listen to to help train your brain waves to relax you and eventually teach you how to cope with life stressors.  I LOVE this thing. I havent' felt this relaxed in as long as I can remember.  I am hoping to use this each time I am in the hyperbaric chamber.
--I have mailbox fairies!!  Linda, D., Fauna, and Bonnie and Rob.  ...you make our box happy. thank you guys.   

And that diary I was supposed to keep....

well, in a nut shell, the chemo didn't seem to get me down as badly this second time.  I had bouts of insomnia, especially the first night.  But the nausea wasn't as bad.  The fatigue...not as bad.  (although don't ask me about it today!!!  my memory is tainted a bit).  I never got to feeling AS good on the good days as I did last time, but emotionally I was much much more stable.  I think hormones really are playing a factor in how I handle all of this.  So we will see this time.  One thing I've learned. ...there are no rules.

So, things I'd like to add into my life right now...
1.  hemi-sync
2.  reinstate my yoga practice.
3.  read uplifitng books
4.  work with chakra meditation and trance dance
5.  clean house.

Well, wow! For low attention span, I guess I spouted off a lot here!  Feeling strange today.  So thanks for putting up with me.

love to you all.